


Heroes Carry Water Pitchers

by existentialcrisiscallingmyname (fangirlforever0)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU i guess?, AU prompt, I am Phan Trash, I'm working on it, M/M, Oneshot, first phanfic, please forgive my title I know it sucks, prompt, rated for language, they made me ship it I swear, this is all tumblr's fault btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 17:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7516982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlforever0/pseuds/existentialcrisiscallingmyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: I'm on a really shitty blind date and you got fed up with the asshole I'm with so you dump water on their head and ask to take me on a better date. I totally agree.</p>
<p>Or the one where Dan is still the leader of the Phil Lester Protection Squad even in an AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heroes Carry Water Pitchers

**Author's Note:**

> It's official- I have succumbed to my need to write a phanfic. I had absolutely no ideas so I just used a prompt I saw on tumblr (forgive me I don't remember where) and had a lot of fun with it. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading!

           

* * *

           This was, quite possibly, the shittiest evening in Phil Lester’s entire life. As much as he adored Louise, he was going to kill her as soon as he saw her again. It was her fault that he was stuck in this stuffy restaurant with the world’s biggest asshole on a _blind date_ of all things. He never did this kind of thing so he was completely out of his element to begin with, but add in the fact that this guy was probably the biggest dickhead ever to walk the Earth and Phil was floundering.

            All had gone well at the start of the date, the two meeting at the restaurant and exchanging pleasantries (hi, I’m Eric, nice to meet you; hi, I’m Phil) before being seated at a somewhat private table towards the back of the restaurant. They had ordered drinks and had settled into small talk easily, giving Phil some hope that this would go well.

            This hope quickly turned into disdain when his date began to discuss how he felt videogames ruined youth, why Phil’s hometown sucked, and why he hated anyone that didn’t work in a cubicle for eight hours a day, every day. Phil tried to smile politely and agree to disagree, but as soon as Phil tried to express his own opinion to him he was immediately told that he was wrong and forced to sit for another ten minutes and listen to all the reasons why he was incorrect. Had Phil been a little bolder (and less afraid as being misconstrued as rude) he would have stood up and left, but he reasoned with himself that nothing bad could come from finishing out the date and then just never calling him back.

            Even the waiter was taking sympathy on him- his giant caramel eyes just screamed “I’m so sorry” to him every time he refilled their waters or brought food. During one of Eric’s rants, Phil mused that he would much rather be on a date with their waiter than with this douche, but alas he was trapped by societal regulations with the world’s biggest jerk. Finally, their entrees arrived, and Phil politely asked the waiter for a bottle of steak sauce before Eric launched into another rant.

            “I’ll tell you another thing,” he spoke with his mouth full of food, making him even more irritating and disgusting to look at. “I’ll tell you what’s even _worse_ than people who don’t work hard. It’s these dumb fuckers who claim they work on the _internet._ I mean Jesus Christ, who pays anyone to work on the internet? It’s just a fancy way of saying you’re unemployed,” He began to chew violently, some of his mashed potatoes flying out of his mouth and onto the white tablecloth.

            “I, um, I work on the internet,” Phil said softly, highly offended. “I write a blog about viral videos and stuff. And I do get paid; the money comes from ad revenue,” Phil tried to explain himself without coming across angry, but now he figured things were a little too far gone to save them.

            “That’s ridiculous. You’re just between jobs. You’ll get a _real_ job someday and then you won’t be living off of nothing.” Phil felt his face heating up with anger, his mind seething.

            “No, I’m not between jobs, and I have a _real_ job. You just think the way you do because you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Phil was sat straight up in his seat, his back rigid. Just as he finished nearly shouting, he saw a bottle of steak sauce appear before him, the waiter backing away meekly and mouthing a subtle but appreciated “I’m sorry” before walking away again. Phil took a deep breath, focusing on eating his dinner and stabbing the steak as opposed to his date.

            They spent the rest of the entrée in silence, neither knowing what to say. After they finished, Eric began to speak again.

            “Hey, I’m sorry,” he started, and Phil looked up and him and smiled politely. The waiter came back and Phil asked for him to just bring the check, not wanting to spend more time with Eric through dessert. The waiter walked away, but not before making eye contact with Phil and smiling shyly. “So, uh, what do you say we head back to yours? Get more, um, comfortable?” Eric raised one eyebrow at Phil suggestively and Phil nearly became sick. Did this guy really think the date went well enough for them to head back to Phil’s apartment and fuck?

            “I’m really sorry, but I’m not interested,” Phil stated firmly yet kindly, hoping not to insult the man across the table.

            “You what?” He asked incredulously.

            “I’m not interested in going anywhere else with you tonight.” Phil was getting very uncomfortable now, not wanting to explain his feelings to this asshole.

            “We’re _going_ back to your place, _now._ You owe me for this,” he said in a low and threatening voice.

            “I don’t _owe_ you anything,” Phil answered, extremely angry now. What the fuck was this guy’s problem?

            “Yes, you do. You owe me some action for going on this date, so _come on!_ ” The man reached across the table and grabbed one of Phil’s wrists where it rested on the table.

            “Oh _fuck this!_ ” Phil heard a voice say next to him before suddenly one of the restaurant water pitchers was being dumped over Eric’s head. Phil looked on in complete shock, his eyes following the water to the pitcher, and then the pitcher to an arm, and then followed the arm up to meet the body of his savior, which was none other than his waiter. Eric spun around to face him, almost growling in anger. “Now if you’d like to avoid criminal assault charges, you’ll pay the bill for your ‘date’ and get the fuck out of here, you pervert.” Eric froze where he sat, drenched from head to toe in water and unknowing of how to deal with the situation. The waiter simply put his hand on his waist, the other hand holding the pitcher at his side. After a few minutes Eric pulled out his wallet and handed the waiter the soggy cash, mumbling “keep the change” before running out of the restaurant.

            The other patrons of the restaurant had, by this time, all turned around to see why the waiter had doused a customer in water. “Nothing to see here folks, just a bit of a misunderstanding,” Dan called out, turning away quickly to face Phil and the table he still sat at. Phil was struck dumb, and could only watch as the waiter began to pick up stray ice cubes and place them on a stack of plates to clear away.

            “Holy shit,” Phil finally mumbled before his face erupted into a huge grin. This guy literally just saved him from the biggest dick on the face of the earth and was literally just continuing on with his job like normal. “Thank you,” Phil offered, unable to convey how grateful he was in the phrase.

            “It’s no trouble,” the waiter replied. “I’m Dan, by the way.”

            “Phil,” he replied, offering his hand to Dan. He shook it before going back to clearing the table in silence. Phil just stared at his face, noticing how he obviously was considering something seriously. “Hey listen, I hope I didn’t cause any trouble, I can talk to your boss or-” he was suddenly cut off by Dan standing straight up, a stack of plates balanced in his hands.

            “Look, this might seem really distasteful considering what just happened, but I get off in ten minutes and I would _really_ like to take you out for a drink. It’s okay if you say no,” he finished, ducking his head slightly while still glancing at fill through long eyelashes and his slightly overgrown brown hair. He smiled shyly, and Phil knew instantly that he was in too deep.

            “I’d love to,” he responded. “I’ll just sit here until then.” Dan smiled and nodded, his cheeks flushed a bright pink. Phil smiled back before Dan took off to put away the plates and wait on the other customers.

           

* * *

            “I really owe you for what you did back there,” Phil said as the two men walked to the bar Dan had in mind. They walked close together, occasionally bumping shoulders. Phil was having a blast and they hadn’t even made it to their “date”.

            “Seriously, that was nothing. He was a complete ass-hat and deserved it. Just don’t go thinking I did it just to get you to go out with me,” Dan smiled and winked at Phil who immediately burst into a vibrant blush.

            “Oh, of course not. It wasn’t like you were making eyes at me all night,” Phil smiled mischievously, causing Dan to blush just as brilliantly as he was.

            “What can I say, you’ve got a pretty face. This way,” the two turned a corner and walked down the street a bit before entering a small bar. It was a comfortable little place with not too many people and the music not too loud. They sat at the far corner of the bar away from the other patrons, ordering their drinks and settling in.

            “So, Phil, I couldn’t help but hear you write a blog,” Dan started, shifting in his seat to face Phil.

            “It’s true; I write about viral videos and internet culture. And not to toot my own horn, but the BBC is looking into hooking me up with a radio show,” Phil smirked proudly, pantomiming adjusting a bowtie around his neck out of pride.

            “That’s amazing! I wish I could write a blog like that, although I doubt anyone would want to read about alternative bands and video games.” Dan joked, taking a sip out of his drink.

            “Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you try it! I thought the same thing when I started,” Phil smiled at Dan who had ducked his head away from him. “And if it’s any consolation, I would read the shit out of a blog like that.” Dan looked up and Phil and returned his smile. The conversation quickly spiraled off into which bands they liked most (they both were in love with Muse) and what their favorite video games were. Pretty soon the bartender was asking them to pay the bill and get out, their evening having gone into the early morning hours. When they reached the sidewalk again, Dan spoke first.

            “I had a great time tonight. It was so worth the hell I’ll pay with the boss tomorrow,” Dan smiled, bumping into Phil with his shoulder. Phil laughed, shaking his head.

            “So did I, you’re a lot of fun. And I’m sorry I caused you any trouble, although it was pretty awesome.” Phil put his hand in his pockets and smiled at Dan before beginning to think. After a short pause, he began to speak again. “You should definitely start a blog. You’d have the people of the world in stitches.”

            “I doubt it, especially since I have no idea what to write or how to format it,” Dan looked at Phil, moving slightly closer to study how many eyelashes he had.

            “Well, here. You should call me when you decide to start it and I’ll help you out,” Phil handed Dan a small piece of paper ripped off a napkin from the bar. When had he written this? Dan couldn’t say he remembered. “I hope we can get back together really soon.” Phil paused, glancing at the nearly nonexistent space between him and Dan. Deciding to go with his gut, he leaned in, capturing Dan’s lips into a sweet kiss. Dan kissed him back before they both pulled away to catch their breath. “I’ll see you around, Dan,” Phil whispered before walking down the street, waving to Dan as he went. Dan just stood there stupefied, watching as his wide hips swayed down the road until he couldn’t see them anymore. When he finally came to his senses, he remembered the piece of paper in his hand and unfolded it.

_Call me for some “editing tips” ;) –xoxo Phil_

Dan grinned all the way home, planning on calling the number the very next morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my first phanfic! Let me know how I could improve it/ if you'd like to see more/ what'd you'd like to see in the future! Hope you enjoyed!!


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